I sit in the quiet of the Sunday morning. I had woken up early. My dreams had been full of worry and impending doom. My eyes are glistening from the tears that could not fall. I am not sure what is wrong. I know the battle is within me. It really has nothing to do with my husband, my job or lack of one, or my children. It is the big scary D. It is the label that no one wants. It is the label that others might use against me. Depression.
I’m not interested in drugs. I don’t want to depend on drugs to help me survive my life. I want to live my life. I want to sing and dance and have fun. I want to discover what is wrong. I want to fix it, change it, or if necessary, accept it. I want to make peace in my heart so that I no longer feel so helpless to change things.
On any given day my life is normal. I have dishes to do, meals to make, things to clean. I have work to do and plans for more work. But this day my heart is heavy and I’m not sure why.
Yes, I did get let go. I am no longer employed. I am worried about money and when my next job will appear. I have concerns that my skills are not enough and that I need to learn new skills.
But what is my largest concern? It is this: Am I moving in the right direction? How can I change my life or my habits so that I am doing the right things now to protect my future? What is my future?
There is no real answer to this. I can only do what is set in front of me and make the decisions that I see to make. I must pray for direction and set one foot in front of the other, always listening to God. I will always ask for forgiveness when I stumble. I will listen to God as I move one step at a time and he will let me know if I am still moving in the right direction. I must trust him for his guidance and direction and his provision. He is my only hope. He is my refuge. He is my Saviour. I will trust in him.
Isaiah 30:19-21 Oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. The moment he hears, he’ll answer. Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: “This is the right road. Walk down this road.”