It escapes me on the darkest of days. I cannot see my hand in front of my face on those days. Where is God? Why has he not answered? Why does he not come to me? I need his presence. I need his strength.On those days hope has faltered in the face of my pessimism. I am busy strengthening my list of sorrows. I am writing down every last slight. I cannot believe the snowballs of bad or ill-timed things.I had it all figured out. I would have my summer of relaxation. I had it last summer. It was beautiful. I can remember all the days when life was so calm and peaceful. I had your ear. You listened to me. I treasured your words and your presence.I wanted that experience again. It was a rough year. Good things happened. But so many things were hard. I wanted to learn about you and I did. But I had so many choices. And then, just when I felt I was on the cusp of a new enlightening experience with you, it all fell apart.My prayers hit the ceiling, what prayers I can utter. I cannot seem to get a grasp. I know I should be thankful. I know I should be grateful. I have so many blessings in my life.And yet, hope, it fades. Hope is the beginning of faith. Without hope I cannot see that life will be better. I cannot see your love in my every day. I will not see the small things you do for me. And if I see them, I will claim that they are not enough. I am acting as a spoiled child. When the parents have nothing to give, the child feels unloved. I am acting that way. I know you love me God. I know that you have joy for me. I know that you have desires that you wish me to feel. I know that you have peace for me. I know that it is here, close at hand.I just need to reach for it. But why am I still here in this place? Why do I still feel so angry and petulant? Guide me God of hope. Take my hand and lead me. Hold me in your arms so that I feel your safety and peace even in this storm that is my life.You are my hope. You are my strength. You are the power that fills my life. You are the joy that paints the sky blue, then starts over with the colors of the rainbow. You are my joy. You are my energy. You renew my energy every morning. You fill my life with hope. Thank you.Romans 15:13 Oh! May the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit, will brim over with hope!
